Ek PJ...

Three guys are standing in a queue. The guy in the middle is Jeet. Who are the other two guys?

To see the answer, place the pointer here and drag it to the end...

The first guy is Haar and the third guy is Darr!

How???

क्योंकि...
Darr के आगे Jeet है!
And...
जिंदगी की यही रीत है
Haar के बाद ही Jeet है...

क्यों? है ना गन्दा वाला!

Passing Thought...

An apple a day gives Steve Jobs his pay

Bag it, Tag it...

I often see this couple in my office complex. They are always with their backpacks. Everywhere...in the food court, in the corridor, even in the loo...their backpacks are unmistakable clinging onto them. Not once have I seen these two souls without their bags on. You get the idea? These folks...their backpacks...forever together.

And I keep wondering why? It’s like the terrible itch you get when you see a “Wet Paint” sign on the park bench. You just have to touch it to find out...

So after much theorizing that left me with a sprain in the brain, I have narrowed down on these possible reasons why they just cannot leave their bags in their work-area like everybody else. I need your help in zeroing in on the most likely reason. I have created a poll on this topic...so please vote...its one of the few perks of democracy

#1. They are secret agents carrying a nuclear warheads capable of vaporizing the Earth

#2. They are the ones carrying the latest Windows OS source code (if so, can somebody please tell them nobody wants it anyways!)

#3. By a freak accident involving a ruptured condom and a bolt of lightning, their bags got fused with their epidermal tissues (remember Wowbagger, The Infinitely Prolonged?)

#4. They are actually aliens and these backpack-looking things are their reproductive organs

#5. These are actually two animated backpacks roaming around with humans attached to them

Wellllll...I couldn't figure out how to put a poll in the post so it's on the sidebar. I'll update the result in the post later...

PS: 'Poll in the post'...sounds naughty doesn't it?

Okay...the votes are in! It was an overwhelming response that almost reached double figures. We had a winner by a thumping majority but some folks from Florida demanded I recount the votes and surprise we have a tie!

There were equal number of votes for possiblity #4 (aliens) and #5 (backpacks with humans attached). So once again it fell upon me to make the crucial decision. After closely observing the subjects it has become apparent that they are aliens trying to infiltrate our society and eventually sieze control. But unlike us earthlings, they cannot leave their bags behind so they have to leave it on their behinds.

Beware fellow earthlings! DON'T TELL THEM ANYTHING!!! Let them roam around as clueless as they are right now. Eventually they might decide its not worth it and go back or get a 'Backpack-ectomy' surgery and get their bags removed. Till then...not a word to them...no matter how hard they try.

"Er...excuse me...where's the bathroom?"

"YOU CAN TORTURE ME TO DEATH EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL FREAKS! BUT YOU WON'T GET ANY INFORMATION OUT OF ME...YOU HEAR THAT??? NO INFORMATION!!!"

A Nerdy Limerick

I once met a nerd from London

who only spoke binary for fun

he would calculate

13 plus 8

as 10101!

As you can see, its a long journey back home in the evenings...

Mission Impractical

Just the other day I was stuck in a conversation with this chap who was ranting about how capitalism has destroyed the fabric of humanity. This guy went on and on about how all the big corporates worry about is how to make higher profits and don't give a damn to the environment, the employees and humanity in general. "Capitalism has destroyed the fabric of humanity I say!" he spewed. I didn't even know that humanity had a fabric! Now capitalism has gone and destroyed it too...what a shame! Maybe it made some holes in it, so now we have a holy fabric of humanity. Which explains why some people are bent upon destroying whats left of humanity in the name of religion. Its all because of the holes in humanity's fabric which was put there by capitalism. Capitalism is the reason for all these holy wars!!! Damn! It is the root of all evil like my haranguing friend had declared. I'm sure even the crop circles were made by capitalism. I gotta meet this capitalism guy whoever he is.

Anyways, I somehow managed to escape his tirade through one of the fabric holes by pretending that I was due for an enema. A couple of days ago, I was going through the net when I came across this Mission Statement of one of the biggest corporates of our times - "Enable people and businesses throughout the world to realize their full potential". Say, that's a noble thought! I searched for a few more of this sweetness. Here is the gist of what I found. (Its not verbatim but distilled after filtering out the more bombastic words and euphemisms) -

"To delight our customers with our value added offerings"

"To improve the lives of people around the world."

"Be a source of excellence for our customers"

"To create value for the Company's shareholders"

"To exceed our customer's expectation every time"

"Make a positive difference in our customers’ lives"

See, none of these companies are there to make money! They are there to help humanity, to keep its fabric intact. Each one of them are out to delight the customer and change the world. That they make millions in the process is only incidental. I should call my friend up and ask him to get in touch with one of these philanthropic yet capitalist organizations. Maybe they'll help him mend the fabric he was so passionate about.

So the next time you want to be delighted...or your life to be changed...or your potential to be realized...you know where to go. And if they charge you, remind them of their purpose of existence, their mission, vision, pulse rate, temperature and BP. Tell them that in reality, you should be charging them for helping them to achieve their mission. But then, don't charge them, tell them instead that its your mission to enable the organizations of this world realize their mission.

Coincidence? or...

Support & Maintenance
Sales & Marketing
Sadism & Masochism

S&M

Do you really think this is just a coincidence?

A Guide to Cafeteria Food Survival

Eating at the school/office cafeteria can be a traumatic experience. Especially if you are used to knowing exactly what you are eating. But in this age of sprawling office campuses, the cafeteria is usually the only option you have or at best the only option with a decent mortality rate. BTW, have you ever wondered why in some places they are referred to as 'mess'?

In my life, which is almost touching the halfway mark of the average life expectancy of Indian males, I have been in and out of a lot of cafeterias (not to mention clinics and hospitals). I have had the opportunity to experience cafeterias of different shapes, sizes and odors (as also antibiotics of various shapes, sizes and stool consistencies). This experience has given me the ability far more vital than any other workplace ability - THE ABILITY TO SURVIVE CAFETERIA FOOD!!!

I have distilled all my gyan into the following set of rules. Just follow these simple rules and you shall live forever...till you die -

Rule #1 - Avoid cafeteria food altogether if you can

Of course, it is easier said than done. If your office location is not friendly to eating out or getting food delivered, think of bringing lunch from home, or skipping lunch, or eating the furnishing...the cafeteria should be your last option.

Rule #2 - Choose your queue carefully

If your cafeteria is multi-cuisine (same crap, different names), remember that all food taste the same...bad!

i - If you have the time, go for the longest line. The food there might be the least offensive

ii - If you don't have the time, go for the shortest line. Since all food taste the same, you might as well save some precious minutes.

Rule #3 - Always go for the local cuisine

Mass-produced, subsidised food would always score low on quality and taste factor. The extent of 'lowness' depends on the geographical location of the cafeteria and the food. For instance, the cafeteria in a Bangalore office is more likely to screw up Rajma than the one in Gurgaon. Similarly, the Gurgaon's office may serve you ditch water in the name of Rasam. In short, if you pick the local cuisine, it'll probably be less screwed up than the exotic ones.

Rule #4 - Don't go for the Chinese cuisine

Just don't do it!

Rule #5 - Don't bother looking for 'clean' plates (or cutlery)

Research is still on. You will read it in the papers when they find a clean 'clean' cafeterial plate (or cutlery). Till that time, just wipe the one you get with a 'clean' tissue and move on.

Rule #6 - When in doubt...

It takes rare talent to screw up curd-rice. When in doubt, go for curd-rice. It usually works for Omlettes too.

If you keep these rules in mind when venturing into a cafeteria, you will soon discover that eating in one need not be as terrifying as it used to be. You don't have to thank me, just pass on the gyan. Who knows? It may prove to be one of the keys to the survival of the human race.

Songs From the Funny Farm - 2

Okay, now what is this song all about...

Chini kam hai tujhme thodi thodi kam kam
Dheere dheere houle houle door door hogi problem

What's the lady trying to say?

Now, all I know about this movie is that Big B is a 64 year old geezer who falls for a 30-something woman. And then there's this song. Considering B's age and his romantic inclinations, I think I know what's being hinted in this song...I think its a euphemism for a low count of you-know-what.

You have a low count of you-know-what
Slowly slowly, the problem may go away

I dunno about what to do with the low count but have you heard of a magic pill called Viagra?

Throatlatched!

I have a throat infection for the past 4 days making it difficult for me to speak...I guess its nature's way of telling me to 'Shut Up & Sit Down!'

Ba, Bahu Aur Bakwas

Switch to any Hindi channel during the prime time and all you get is family strife, scheming brides, crumbling empires and praying matriarchs. You don't need to stick to one channel, keep surfing and you won't miss a thing. The stories are all the same. And keeping up with that tradition is this...same story, different blog. If you have read it in my older blog, feel free to move right on.

Recipe for a successful TV soap

Ingredients

For the base -
Joint families (business) 2
Palatial bungalows 2
Business rivalry

For the seasoning -
Vamp 1
Jilted love 1
Jilted lover's vengeance 1
Pair of young lovers (one from each family) 2

For the sauce -
Illegitimate child 1
Auto accident 1
Coma/Amnesia (whatever is available) 1
Miracle 1
Glycerin Tears 5-6 buckets
Adultery to taste

Instructions for preparation

Put the business families in separate bungalows and mix individually. Add the business rivalry and bring to a boil. Sprinkle the young lovers and stir till the base turns into thick hot scenes. Pour the mix into a flat pan and let it cool.

In a flashback pan put the other set of young lovers and stir on low heat for 10-15 episodes. When the plot becomes thick and stinky, add the jilted love and the illegitimate child. (Tip: if you prefer a saucy mix, add one illegitimate child and one abortion)

Soak the vamp in the jilted lover's vengeance for 6 episodes and keep aside.

Pour the contents of the flashback pan and the base mix into a foreign location. Gently slide the vamp into the pan. Cover and let the pressure build up. Sprinkle the adultery and let it simmer for 4-5 episodes. (Tip: repeat this step each time you feel the mix turning cold)

Using a 'Power-of-attorney business fraud' or a huge business loss, drop in the auto accident and the coma/amnesia. Ensure that the coma/amnesia is put in after the accident. Let the family tragedy dissolve completely in the base (takes usually 30 episodes). Put the family into a private mandir and liberally pour the glycerin tears. Sprinkle a bhajan on top of the tears. When the scene becomes totally cold and bland, add the miracle and put the family back into the private mandir. Pour the rest of the tears and the bhajan and stir vigorously.

By now, the broth would be thick, bland, and completely unrecognizable. It is now ready to be served. Take a prime time slot and load it two-thirds with commercials. Fill the remaining part with the broth and garnish it with an intro or a recap.

Serve it hot or cold, it doesn't matter. The audience would lap it up anyways.

Serves up to 156 episodes. (Tip: If you make your plot very thin, it would serve as many as 260 episodes)

Enjoy your tripe!