A Nerdy Limerick

I once met a nerd from London

who only spoke binary for fun

he would calculate

13 plus 8

as 10101!

As you can see, its a long journey back home in the evenings...

Mission Impractical

Just the other day I was stuck in a conversation with this chap who was ranting about how capitalism has destroyed the fabric of humanity. This guy went on and on about how all the big corporates worry about is how to make higher profits and don't give a damn to the environment, the employees and humanity in general. "Capitalism has destroyed the fabric of humanity I say!" he spewed. I didn't even know that humanity had a fabric! Now capitalism has gone and destroyed it too...what a shame! Maybe it made some holes in it, so now we have a holy fabric of humanity. Which explains why some people are bent upon destroying whats left of humanity in the name of religion. Its all because of the holes in humanity's fabric which was put there by capitalism. Capitalism is the reason for all these holy wars!!! Damn! It is the root of all evil like my haranguing friend had declared. I'm sure even the crop circles were made by capitalism. I gotta meet this capitalism guy whoever he is.

Anyways, I somehow managed to escape his tirade through one of the fabric holes by pretending that I was due for an enema. A couple of days ago, I was going through the net when I came across this Mission Statement of one of the biggest corporates of our times - "Enable people and businesses throughout the world to realize their full potential". Say, that's a noble thought! I searched for a few more of this sweetness. Here is the gist of what I found. (Its not verbatim but distilled after filtering out the more bombastic words and euphemisms) -

"To delight our customers with our value added offerings"

"To improve the lives of people around the world."

"Be a source of excellence for our customers"

"To create value for the Company's shareholders"

"To exceed our customer's expectation every time"

"Make a positive difference in our customers’ lives"

See, none of these companies are there to make money! They are there to help humanity, to keep its fabric intact. Each one of them are out to delight the customer and change the world. That they make millions in the process is only incidental. I should call my friend up and ask him to get in touch with one of these philanthropic yet capitalist organizations. Maybe they'll help him mend the fabric he was so passionate about.

So the next time you want to be delighted...or your life to be changed...or your potential to be realized...you know where to go. And if they charge you, remind them of their purpose of existence, their mission, vision, pulse rate, temperature and BP. Tell them that in reality, you should be charging them for helping them to achieve their mission. But then, don't charge them, tell them instead that its your mission to enable the organizations of this world realize their mission.

Coincidence? or...

Support & Maintenance
Sales & Marketing
Sadism & Masochism

S&M

Do you really think this is just a coincidence?

A Guide to Cafeteria Food Survival

Eating at the school/office cafeteria can be a traumatic experience. Especially if you are used to knowing exactly what you are eating. But in this age of sprawling office campuses, the cafeteria is usually the only option you have or at best the only option with a decent mortality rate. BTW, have you ever wondered why in some places they are referred to as 'mess'?

In my life, which is almost touching the halfway mark of the average life expectancy of Indian males, I have been in and out of a lot of cafeterias (not to mention clinics and hospitals). I have had the opportunity to experience cafeterias of different shapes, sizes and odors (as also antibiotics of various shapes, sizes and stool consistencies). This experience has given me the ability far more vital than any other workplace ability - THE ABILITY TO SURVIVE CAFETERIA FOOD!!!

I have distilled all my gyan into the following set of rules. Just follow these simple rules and you shall live forever...till you die -

Rule #1 - Avoid cafeteria food altogether if you can

Of course, it is easier said than done. If your office location is not friendly to eating out or getting food delivered, think of bringing lunch from home, or skipping lunch, or eating the furnishing...the cafeteria should be your last option.

Rule #2 - Choose your queue carefully

If your cafeteria is multi-cuisine (same crap, different names), remember that all food taste the same...bad!

i - If you have the time, go for the longest line. The food there might be the least offensive

ii - If you don't have the time, go for the shortest line. Since all food taste the same, you might as well save some precious minutes.

Rule #3 - Always go for the local cuisine

Mass-produced, subsidised food would always score low on quality and taste factor. The extent of 'lowness' depends on the geographical location of the cafeteria and the food. For instance, the cafeteria in a Bangalore office is more likely to screw up Rajma than the one in Gurgaon. Similarly, the Gurgaon's office may serve you ditch water in the name of Rasam. In short, if you pick the local cuisine, it'll probably be less screwed up than the exotic ones.

Rule #4 - Don't go for the Chinese cuisine

Just don't do it!

Rule #5 - Don't bother looking for 'clean' plates (or cutlery)

Research is still on. You will read it in the papers when they find a clean 'clean' cafeterial plate (or cutlery). Till that time, just wipe the one you get with a 'clean' tissue and move on.

Rule #6 - When in doubt...

It takes rare talent to screw up curd-rice. When in doubt, go for curd-rice. It usually works for Omlettes too.

If you keep these rules in mind when venturing into a cafeteria, you will soon discover that eating in one need not be as terrifying as it used to be. You don't have to thank me, just pass on the gyan. Who knows? It may prove to be one of the keys to the survival of the human race.

Songs From the Funny Farm - 2

Okay, now what is this song all about...

Chini kam hai tujhme thodi thodi kam kam
Dheere dheere houle houle door door hogi problem

What's the lady trying to say?

Now, all I know about this movie is that Big B is a 64 year old geezer who falls for a 30-something woman. And then there's this song. Considering B's age and his romantic inclinations, I think I know what's being hinted in this song...I think its a euphemism for a low count of you-know-what.

You have a low count of you-know-what
Slowly slowly, the problem may go away

I dunno about what to do with the low count but have you heard of a magic pill called Viagra?

Throatlatched!

I have a throat infection for the past 4 days making it difficult for me to speak...I guess its nature's way of telling me to 'Shut Up & Sit Down!'

Ba, Bahu Aur Bakwas

Switch to any Hindi channel during the prime time and all you get is family strife, scheming brides, crumbling empires and praying matriarchs. You don't need to stick to one channel, keep surfing and you won't miss a thing. The stories are all the same. And keeping up with that tradition is this...same story, different blog. If you have read it in my older blog, feel free to move right on.

Recipe for a successful TV soap

Ingredients

For the base -
Joint families (business) 2
Palatial bungalows 2
Business rivalry

For the seasoning -
Vamp 1
Jilted love 1
Jilted lover's vengeance 1
Pair of young lovers (one from each family) 2

For the sauce -
Illegitimate child 1
Auto accident 1
Coma/Amnesia (whatever is available) 1
Miracle 1
Glycerin Tears 5-6 buckets
Adultery to taste

Instructions for preparation

Put the business families in separate bungalows and mix individually. Add the business rivalry and bring to a boil. Sprinkle the young lovers and stir till the base turns into thick hot scenes. Pour the mix into a flat pan and let it cool.

In a flashback pan put the other set of young lovers and stir on low heat for 10-15 episodes. When the plot becomes thick and stinky, add the jilted love and the illegitimate child. (Tip: if you prefer a saucy mix, add one illegitimate child and one abortion)

Soak the vamp in the jilted lover's vengeance for 6 episodes and keep aside.

Pour the contents of the flashback pan and the base mix into a foreign location. Gently slide the vamp into the pan. Cover and let the pressure build up. Sprinkle the adultery and let it simmer for 4-5 episodes. (Tip: repeat this step each time you feel the mix turning cold)

Using a 'Power-of-attorney business fraud' or a huge business loss, drop in the auto accident and the coma/amnesia. Ensure that the coma/amnesia is put in after the accident. Let the family tragedy dissolve completely in the base (takes usually 30 episodes). Put the family into a private mandir and liberally pour the glycerin tears. Sprinkle a bhajan on top of the tears. When the scene becomes totally cold and bland, add the miracle and put the family back into the private mandir. Pour the rest of the tears and the bhajan and stir vigorously.

By now, the broth would be thick, bland, and completely unrecognizable. It is now ready to be served. Take a prime time slot and load it two-thirds with commercials. Fill the remaining part with the broth and garnish it with an intro or a recap.

Serve it hot or cold, it doesn't matter. The audience would lap it up anyways.

Serves up to 156 episodes. (Tip: If you make your plot very thin, it would serve as many as 260 episodes)

Enjoy your tripe!

My Work Style

I think I am a workalcoholic...
I like to drink at work.

Songs from the Funny Farm

I just fail to understand some of these film songs. Take this one for instance,

"pyar ki ek kahani suno, ek ladka tha, ek ladki thi"

I've heard a zillion pyar ki kahanies and then some. There were always ek ladka - ek ladki in them...maybe ek ladka - do ladki or vice-versa once in a while. So whats new this this song? Why should we listen to this kahani??? If it were something like ek ladka tha, ek aur ladka tha...now thats novel. Everybody's game for a new love story, yes? Brokeback mountain!

And its not just the newer songs that get my goat. Check this one out from the decade past - "is jahan ki nahi hain tumhari aankhien". What does that mean? You have outlandish eyes! Alien eyes! maybe the babe had some wierd eye color like magenta or purple or something. Spooky!!!

"Telephone dhun mein hasne wali"...how does that laughter go? Tring-tring! is route ki sabhi linein vyast hain. That song had another gem -
"Teri gali mein koi mard na chorhunga, aurat bhi na chorhunga..."
Bhaiya kam se kam kutton ko chorh dena please...

This phenomena is not just limited to Hindi songs. There are lots of English songs as well that are filed under the wierd section but thats a rant for some other time.

Born Again

Do you believe in karma? Do you believe that when you die you will be reborn into this world again? Have you ever been to those mystics and psychics who take one look at you and tell you what you were in your last birth? Yes? No? Anyways, I'm sure you'd have heard of such stories, I have heard dozens. Yeah, yeah! I hang out with more weirdoes than you do.

I have heard lots of these stories about previous lives and what you were in them. One thing I found suspiciously common in all of these stories were that the previous births were always in human form! I'm sure there is some cosmic, metaphysical explanation to it but right now I'm not that enlightened. How come its always human? Why not something else?

"Hello there, come on in! I know its a little dark here but I refuse to put on a brighter bulb. What do you wish to know?"
"I want to know about my previous birth"
"Why?"
"I don't know anything about my present life"
"fair enough! now let me see. Open up your mouth and say aah!"
"Aaah!"

hocus-pocus mumbo-jumbo duckworth-lewis chitty-chitty-bang-bang

"I see, in your previous birth you were a dung beetle. You lived for a full three and a half minutes before being squished by the ox who gave you your home"
"Hmmm!"
"And in the birth before that you were a mule in Egypt. You were meant to carry stones for a minor Pharaoh's pyramid. Your back broke when they put the first stone on you. Your bones were found centuries later by some dudes who passed it off as dinosaur fossil and made millions"
"Wow!"
"I wonder how you became a human in this birth"
"I'm a software engineer"
"There you go, no difference! I was sure there was a catch somewhere. Time's up, I'll take the money now, cash only please."

Do you think this story will ever get out? You got to take them with a pinch of salt and a couple of asprins.