Mission Impractical

Just the other day I was stuck in a conversation with this chap who was ranting about how capitalism has destroyed the fabric of humanity. This guy went on and on about how all the big corporates worry about is how to make higher profits and don't give a damn to the environment, the employees and humanity in general. "Capitalism has destroyed the fabric of humanity I say!" he spewed. I didn't even know that humanity had a fabric! Now capitalism has gone and destroyed it too...what a shame! Maybe it made some holes in it, so now we have a holy fabric of humanity. Which explains why some people are bent upon destroying whats left of humanity in the name of religion. Its all because of the holes in humanity's fabric which was put there by capitalism. Capitalism is the reason for all these holy wars!!! Damn! It is the root of all evil like my haranguing friend had declared. I'm sure even the crop circles were made by capitalism. I gotta meet this capitalism guy whoever he is.

Anyways, I somehow managed to escape his tirade through one of the fabric holes by pretending that I was due for an enema. A couple of days ago, I was going through the net when I came across this Mission Statement of one of the biggest corporates of our times - "Enable people and businesses throughout the world to realize their full potential". Say, that's a noble thought! I searched for a few more of this sweetness. Here is the gist of what I found. (Its not verbatim but distilled after filtering out the more bombastic words and euphemisms) -

"To delight our customers with our value added offerings"

"To improve the lives of people around the world."

"Be a source of excellence for our customers"

"To create value for the Company's shareholders"

"To exceed our customer's expectation every time"

"Make a positive difference in our customers’ lives"

See, none of these companies are there to make money! They are there to help humanity, to keep its fabric intact. Each one of them are out to delight the customer and change the world. That they make millions in the process is only incidental. I should call my friend up and ask him to get in touch with one of these philanthropic yet capitalist organizations. Maybe they'll help him mend the fabric he was so passionate about.

So the next time you want to be delighted...or your life to be changed...or your potential to be realized...you know where to go. And if they charge you, remind them of their purpose of existence, their mission, vision, pulse rate, temperature and BP. Tell them that in reality, you should be charging them for helping them to achieve their mission. But then, don't charge them, tell them instead that its your mission to enable the organizations of this world realize their mission.

Coincidence? or...

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A Guide to Cafeteria Food Survival

Eating at the school/office cafeteria can be a traumatic experience. Especially if you are used to knowing exactly what you are eating. But in this age of sprawling office campuses, the cafeteria is usually the only option you have or at best the only option with a decent mortality rate. BTW, have you ever wondered why in some places they are referred to as 'mess'?

In my life, which is almost touching the halfway mark of the average life expectancy of Indian males, I have been in and out of a lot of cafeterias (not to mention clinics and hospitals). I have had the opportunity to experience cafeterias of different shapes, sizes and odors (as also antibiotics of various shapes, sizes and stool consistencies). This experience has given me the ability far more vital than any other workplace ability - THE ABILITY TO SURVIVE CAFETERIA FOOD!!!

I have distilled all my gyan into the following set of rules. Just follow these simple rules and you shall live forever...till you die -

Rule #1 - Avoid cafeteria food altogether if you can

Of course, it is easier said than done. If your office location is not friendly to eating out or getting food delivered, think of bringing lunch from home, or skipping lunch, or eating the furnishing...the cafeteria should be your last option.

Rule #2 - Choose your queue carefully

If your cafeteria is multi-cuisine (same crap, different names), remember that all food taste the same...bad!

i - If you have the time, go for the longest line. The food there might be the least offensive

ii - If you don't have the time, go for the shortest line. Since all food taste the same, you might as well save some precious minutes.

Rule #3 - Always go for the local cuisine

Mass-produced, subsidised food would always score low on quality and taste factor. The extent of 'lowness' depends on the geographical location of the cafeteria and the food. For instance, the cafeteria in a Bangalore office is more likely to screw up Rajma than the one in Gurgaon. Similarly, the Gurgaon's office may serve you ditch water in the name of Rasam. In short, if you pick the local cuisine, it'll probably be less screwed up than the exotic ones.

Rule #4 - Don't go for the Chinese cuisine

Just don't do it!

Rule #5 - Don't bother looking for 'clean' plates (or cutlery)

Research is still on. You will read it in the papers when they find a clean 'clean' cafeterial plate (or cutlery). Till that time, just wipe the one you get with a 'clean' tissue and move on.

Rule #6 - When in doubt...

It takes rare talent to screw up curd-rice. When in doubt, go for curd-rice. It usually works for Omlettes too.

If you keep these rules in mind when venturing into a cafeteria, you will soon discover that eating in one need not be as terrifying as it used to be. You don't have to thank me, just pass on the gyan. Who knows? It may prove to be one of the keys to the survival of the human race.