Songs From the Funny Farm - 2

Okay, now what is this song all about...

Chini kam hai tujhme thodi thodi kam kam
Dheere dheere houle houle door door hogi problem

What's the lady trying to say?

Now, all I know about this movie is that Big B is a 64 year old geezer who falls for a 30-something woman. And then there's this song. Considering B's age and his romantic inclinations, I think I know what's being hinted in this song...I think its a euphemism for a low count of you-know-what.

You have a low count of you-know-what
Slowly slowly, the problem may go away

I dunno about what to do with the low count but have you heard of a magic pill called Viagra?

Throatlatched!

I have a throat infection for the past 4 days making it difficult for me to speak...I guess its nature's way of telling me to 'Shut Up & Sit Down!'

Ba, Bahu Aur Bakwas

Switch to any Hindi channel during the prime time and all you get is family strife, scheming brides, crumbling empires and praying matriarchs. You don't need to stick to one channel, keep surfing and you won't miss a thing. The stories are all the same. And keeping up with that tradition is this...same story, different blog. If you have read it in my older blog, feel free to move right on.

Recipe for a successful TV soap

Ingredients

For the base -
Joint families (business) 2
Palatial bungalows 2
Business rivalry

For the seasoning -
Vamp 1
Jilted love 1
Jilted lover's vengeance 1
Pair of young lovers (one from each family) 2

For the sauce -
Illegitimate child 1
Auto accident 1
Coma/Amnesia (whatever is available) 1
Miracle 1
Glycerin Tears 5-6 buckets
Adultery to taste

Instructions for preparation

Put the business families in separate bungalows and mix individually. Add the business rivalry and bring to a boil. Sprinkle the young lovers and stir till the base turns into thick hot scenes. Pour the mix into a flat pan and let it cool.

In a flashback pan put the other set of young lovers and stir on low heat for 10-15 episodes. When the plot becomes thick and stinky, add the jilted love and the illegitimate child. (Tip: if you prefer a saucy mix, add one illegitimate child and one abortion)

Soak the vamp in the jilted lover's vengeance for 6 episodes and keep aside.

Pour the contents of the flashback pan and the base mix into a foreign location. Gently slide the vamp into the pan. Cover and let the pressure build up. Sprinkle the adultery and let it simmer for 4-5 episodes. (Tip: repeat this step each time you feel the mix turning cold)

Using a 'Power-of-attorney business fraud' or a huge business loss, drop in the auto accident and the coma/amnesia. Ensure that the coma/amnesia is put in after the accident. Let the family tragedy dissolve completely in the base (takes usually 30 episodes). Put the family into a private mandir and liberally pour the glycerin tears. Sprinkle a bhajan on top of the tears. When the scene becomes totally cold and bland, add the miracle and put the family back into the private mandir. Pour the rest of the tears and the bhajan and stir vigorously.

By now, the broth would be thick, bland, and completely unrecognizable. It is now ready to be served. Take a prime time slot and load it two-thirds with commercials. Fill the remaining part with the broth and garnish it with an intro or a recap.

Serve it hot or cold, it doesn't matter. The audience would lap it up anyways.

Serves up to 156 episodes. (Tip: If you make your plot very thin, it would serve as many as 260 episodes)

Enjoy your tripe!

My Work Style

I think I am a workalcoholic...
I like to drink at work.

Songs from the Funny Farm

I just fail to understand some of these film songs. Take this one for instance,

"pyar ki ek kahani suno, ek ladka tha, ek ladki thi"

I've heard a zillion pyar ki kahanies and then some. There were always ek ladka - ek ladki in them...maybe ek ladka - do ladki or vice-versa once in a while. So whats new this this song? Why should we listen to this kahani??? If it were something like ek ladka tha, ek aur ladka tha...now thats novel. Everybody's game for a new love story, yes? Brokeback mountain!

And its not just the newer songs that get my goat. Check this one out from the decade past - "is jahan ki nahi hain tumhari aankhien". What does that mean? You have outlandish eyes! Alien eyes! maybe the babe had some wierd eye color like magenta or purple or something. Spooky!!!

"Telephone dhun mein hasne wali"...how does that laughter go? Tring-tring! is route ki sabhi linein vyast hain. That song had another gem -
"Teri gali mein koi mard na chorhunga, aurat bhi na chorhunga..."
Bhaiya kam se kam kutton ko chorh dena please...

This phenomena is not just limited to Hindi songs. There are lots of English songs as well that are filed under the wierd section but thats a rant for some other time.

Born Again

Do you believe in karma? Do you believe that when you die you will be reborn into this world again? Have you ever been to those mystics and psychics who take one look at you and tell you what you were in your last birth? Yes? No? Anyways, I'm sure you'd have heard of such stories, I have heard dozens. Yeah, yeah! I hang out with more weirdoes than you do.

I have heard lots of these stories about previous lives and what you were in them. One thing I found suspiciously common in all of these stories were that the previous births were always in human form! I'm sure there is some cosmic, metaphysical explanation to it but right now I'm not that enlightened. How come its always human? Why not something else?

"Hello there, come on in! I know its a little dark here but I refuse to put on a brighter bulb. What do you wish to know?"
"I want to know about my previous birth"
"Why?"
"I don't know anything about my present life"
"fair enough! now let me see. Open up your mouth and say aah!"
"Aaah!"

hocus-pocus mumbo-jumbo duckworth-lewis chitty-chitty-bang-bang

"I see, in your previous birth you were a dung beetle. You lived for a full three and a half minutes before being squished by the ox who gave you your home"
"Hmmm!"
"And in the birth before that you were a mule in Egypt. You were meant to carry stones for a minor Pharaoh's pyramid. Your back broke when they put the first stone on you. Your bones were found centuries later by some dudes who passed it off as dinosaur fossil and made millions"
"Wow!"
"I wonder how you became a human in this birth"
"I'm a software engineer"
"There you go, no difference! I was sure there was a catch somewhere. Time's up, I'll take the money now, cash only please."

Do you think this story will ever get out? You got to take them with a pinch of salt and a couple of asprins.

Indian Cricket is Clean!

India lost yet again yesterday. After winning the test series and a couple of first class matches they had me worried. I usually get worried when people are not their natural self, and a little irritated too.

But one good thing that has come out of India's long chain of dismal defeats is that now we can be pretty much sure that no one's fixing their matches. Nobody's paying the players to throw away the game. Why would anybody want to pay for what the team would do for free anyways? They would rather focus their efforts and finances on some other team, or if they are really serious, on some other sport altogether.

So rejoice! Our boys are clean...and they don't have to prove it by appearing in soap commercials. Sach-much, kaafi bada hai!

While on the subject of cricket and match fixing, I think BCCI's objection to a rebel league is justified. Obviously! If the domestic circuit goes professional, it might throw up some new talents that may eventually find their way into the national team. And then there would always be a chance that they might win a match. This uncertainity may lead to punters trying to make a quick buck. Get it? Its all the board's way of ensuring that the team performance remains predictable and the team free of any fixing scams. Thats thinking far!

Shut Up & Sit Down!

I was born with a terrible disease - The Foot-in-Mouth disease. Do not confuse it with the Foot-and-Mouth disease which affect mainly farm animals...not me, I'm a cubicle animal. My disease is worse. There are hardly any visible symptoms of affliction, but it can sieze my senses anytime, anywhere.

In its mildest form, I suffer from an irresistible urge to shoot my mouth off. Given the slightest encouragement, my foot flies and lodges itself firmly in my mouth...and then the fun begins! I just can't help it, if I see even half an opening where I can fit in my wisecracks, they tumble out before I can do a cost-benefit analysis on it. This has landed me in many an undesirable situation. The aftermath of which sometimes have lasted for years. That serious-looking Philosophizing bloke was right - words spoken are like arrows shot!

And usually when such arrows are shot by me, I get to see these expressions that scream "Shut up and sit down, you @#$%^&!" So I'm trying to do just that. Instead of shooting my mouth left, right and center, I am going to blog them - up, down and sideways. So if you read something that offends you (you will, sooner or later), just remember, its a part of my therapy. You wouldn't want to hurt a verbally challanged soul, would you?

So, consider this as an apology in advance, a warning, an advisory, a disclaimer and above all else, a sample of whats to follow. You have been adequately apprised.